Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
