I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
