I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Randomize
