Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
You've changed since you got that strap on
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
