Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Randomize
