mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
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