I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
