we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize
