Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Randomize
