True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
