i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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