If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
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