Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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