There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
