officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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