You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Randomize
