I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Randomize
