I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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