So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
