Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. �Hello 29...
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
