my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
