he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
