somebody snuck up and got me drunk
i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
why do cheetos always look like penises
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
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