1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Randomize
