I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
