jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
