I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
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