Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
