I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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