My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
This is classic penis vs brain.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Randomize
