Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
