I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
