I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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