Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
