false alarm. still invincible.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
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