I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
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