Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
