just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Randomize
