I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
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