I hate your face
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
