Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
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