Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
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