i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
