I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
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