Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
