He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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