is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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