i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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