watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Randomize
