I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
